[Sensual R&B music playing]
♪
Danny. Danny.
I-I don't want to have sex with you.
Yeah, you're very classy. Noted.
No. No, no, no. No, I mean it.
We should stop.
[Sighs] Okay.
- I don't want to rush things. - "Rush things"?
We've been kissing for, like, 20 minutes.
That's like a week in guy minutes.
Come on, don't I get credit for that?
Danny, usually when I have sex with a guy,
we've gone on at least five dates,
or he's spent, like, $2,000 on me,
whichever comes first.
We've gone on hundreds of dates, hundreds.
We've gone on doctors'-lounge dates,
subway-commute dates, medical-conference dates.
Okay, that's a good point.
- Okay. - But, Danny...
Can we just please wait?
[Sighs]
Do you realize there are literally thousands of girls
in New York City that would kill to have sex with me right now?
Okay, that seems untrue. It is true.
I could call up any girl right now in my phone...
Any girl!
- You know what? - What?
By all means, give 'em a call.
Oh, you want me to do it? Call 'em.
[Line trilling] Listen and learn.
(Woman) Hello?
Hey, Abigail, what's up? It's Danny.
- Danny? - Castellano.
- Who? - "D-day"?
No.
It's, uh... it's lil d.
- [Line clicks] - Hello?
Meredith, what are you up to right now?
(Meredith) Uh, breast-feeding my son.
Elizabeth, Susan, Billie.
I know it sounds like a guy's name... it's a girl.
Connie! Hey, pay attention... Connie.
Her body would not stop.
Oh, Connie's dead?
I'm so sorry.
Well, what are you up to right now?
[Whispering] Stop it.
Okay. Don't beat yourself up. It's a numbers game.
And you've only called, like, what, 25 girls?
They're just afraid if they come over here right now,
they're gonna get attached.
You know, the pheromones, et cetera. - Hmm.
[Phone vibrating]
Vanessa. Vanessa.
Hey, Danny. Hey, Vanessa. What's going on?
Got any plans tonight?
Want to come over and rekindle the old flame?
(Vanessa) Sure, hon, but I should warn you...
My rates have gone up.
That was a wrong number.
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/
Good morning, colleagues.
Danny, I brought your favorite breakfast... oatmeal,
with a side of brown sugar.
And by "brown sugar," I, of course, mean my butt.
Peter? Where's Danny?
Oh, you didn't hear?
He came into his office this morning,
and he was all sweaty and cranky.
So I was like, "business as usual."
- Yeah. - So I start telling him about my weekend,
how I got blown off by four separate girls
who all used the same excuse,
which was, "I'm going back to graduate school,"
which if you don't mind me saying,
I don't know how that precludes you from dating someone.
Anyway, he passed out.
And I was like, "Danny, rude.
I'm telling you about my weekend."
Wait, wait, wait. What? What happened to Danny?
He has viral meningitis... Brain fever.
What?
Oh, my God. Danny?
I was so worried about you.
You can't die. You have so much to live for.
My birthday's coming up.
We haven't even talked about what you're gonna get me.
[Clears throat] Dr. L.
Richie, you remember Mindy, my coworker.
Coworker?
Yeah.
Okay. Yes.
Hello, Richard.
Don't worry, Dr. L, I'm taking good care of him.
I even brought him Mr. Neck.
She doesn't need to know about that.
I don't know what that is.
[Clears throat]
Richie, could you got find me the white nurse?
Uh, sure. I'll be right back.
Thanks, Richie.
He'll be gone for hours. What the hell, man?
I'm a coworker all of a sudden?
Do I look like Morgan to you?
'Cause people tell me that, and I do not like it.
What? I didn't mean anything by it.
We're just... you know, we're not having sex.
So, technically, we're not... dating.
Oh, I see how it is. Speaking of which...
You know what would make me feel a lot better right now?
Yeah, cannoli. I brought you some,
but I actually ate them on the way over here.
I'm so sorry.
No, not a cannoli, a little... [Clicks tongue]
What?
Boop, boop.
- Danny! - Just...
Absolutely not!
First of all, we're in public.
Second of all, sex with me right now
would kill you in this state.
Your heart-rate monitor would be like,
"beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep, beep..."
[Imitates explosion]
No, no, we don't have to have sex, just like...
Just graze it. I'm not gonna graze it!
I'm so sick.
I know. This is your brain fever making you a real pervert.
Yeah, it's making me cra... It's making me so horny.
I have something better than sex...
Bridget Jones's diary... My favorite book.
[Sighs] Whenever I'm sick, I read it, and I feel better.
I thought I would read it to you.
That's great. No, I'm... I'm good.
I'm good on the Bridget Jones thing.
I'm just gonna watch the, uh... The hospital info channel.
Do you know they have a business center on the fourth floor?
- Hmm. - [Phone chirping]
Yeah.
- (Mindy) What? - (Peter) Come on, come on, come on!
- What? - Come on, come on!
Why did I have to run here?
I got very sweaty on the way over here.
- Come here. - Okay.
It was just a normal day for me, like every other day...
Eat my lunch at my desk, catch up on some pornography...
What?
When I came across this.
[Sensual trumpet music playing]
What... You should not be do...
(Mindy) Oh, you've ruined me for other men.
Does that make you feel good?
- (Man) Mm-hmm. - Oh, my God.
I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex with another guy.
Oh, my God!
That's exactly what you say in the video.
(Mindy) Okay, that's really good.
(Peter) What on earth were you thinking?
Making a sex tape?
Don't you know that means that creeps like me
are gonna watch it? Oh, my God. Peter...
Please promise me that you have not gratified yourself
while you were watching this.
- Oh, my God! - No, I didn't.
Peter, can you please be more convincing than that?
Just don't look up guiltily!
Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't do it.
I didn't?
Oh, God.
Look, I know this is bad
for the whole practice.
But I got to say,
I've never met a real pornography actor
up close and personal.
I'm kind of geeking out.
I can't... I need to lie on the floor.
Can I ask you a question?
You know, what was with that trumpet music?
That was just my next-door neighbor practicing his trumpet.
It's actually kind of beautiful if you listen to it.
There is a very spirited debate about that
in the comment section.
The comment section?
- Well, yeah, it's a video online. - Okay.
Verified user bro-b/gyn says,
"hey, I work with her."
I told you I was geeking out.
I gave it three stars.
My life is over.
My professional life is over, and my personal life is over.
This is horrifying, Peter!
And the worst part is I just started...
Hanging out with this guy,
a really special guy that I've liked for a long time.
Well, that's great, right?
No, if he sees this, I know it's gonna be over.
This whole time I've been telling him
I want to, like, "take it slow."
- That doesn't sound like you. - I know!
I tell you what... I can help.
Really?
In order to squash this,
we need to go right to the source.
No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, yeah. - No, no, no!
- Yep. - Peter, please. I can't.
(Woman on radio) ♪ 92.5
all right, let's look here.
Oh, the gums are looking nice.
Yeah, you'd never know they came from a cadaver.
Looks good.
Very nice, Caroline.
What are you doing here?
- Tom. - Mindy!
I need to speak to you about an urgent matter.
Look, Mindy, we're not dating anymore.
So I can't give you free toothbrushes.
I already got my free toothbrushes.
So joke's on you. Come on.
Just hold on a moment.
Come on, come on!
Faster! Move it or lose it.
Let's go.
Hey, why is our sex tape on the Internet?
I-I had nothing to do with that.
I swear on my mother's grave,
I had nothing to do with that.
No, wait. I...
I had something to do with that.
Oh, my gosh.
I lent it to my brother when he got divorced.
- What? - If it makes any difference,
it really helped.
He had a bad case of the blues.
[Clears throat] I am very sorry.
This is Peter, my colleague. This is Tom.
Tom, Peter.
Super disappointed in you, man.
Yes.
I am also pretty psyched to meet you.
You're my new favorite male porn star.
[Whispering] Shut up.
Look, I just started dating my dental assistant, okay?
I don't need this. We're coming up on our two-month anniversary,
so stop it with the porn...
Hey... We're out of gauze.
Should I order gauze?
Yeah, angel, do whatever you want, okay?
Boop.
[Sighs]
I mean, how am I supposed to get anything done
with that in my face all day?
Okay.
Look, okay,
I'll destroy that tape the minute I get home, okay?
- Thank you. - No way, buddy.
You gotta bring that tape to Mindy.
No man in history has ever destroyed a sex tape.
Uh-huh. Thank you, my slimy friend.
That's a good point. You are not destroying it.
You're gonna bring it to my office,
place it on my desk, and you're gonna close the door behind you,
- today. - I'll do it today.
And what if Margo found out?
I shot that before she turned me super Christian.
Hey, who's uncomfortable?
Okay, this is great.
You know what?
I'll just destroy that tape before anyone important sees it.
Mindy, it's on the Internet.
We have to go to sploders.com and get them to take it down.
No, no, no.
I'm not gonna go to some seedy warehouse
where they make porns, okay?
And have to deal with some gross slime-os.
I'm not gonna do that! You're being pretty close-minded
for a girl who just got her start in porn.
Okay.
Let me ask you something, a little advice...
In the love department.
Oh, okay.
My colleague Mindy and I... We, uh...
We've been, you know...
- Kissing. - Oh!
But just kissing.
She doesn't want to have sex with me yet.
I mean, she's no prude.
You know, I've seen her number on two different bathroom walls
in her own handwriting.
I don't know. You know, Richie...
Maybe she doesn't like me?
Come on. Of course she likes you.
Maybe she just wants to take it a little slow because...
She knows how judgmental you can be.
What do you mean? I'm not judgmental.
No, you're right. You're right.
Hey, did I tell you that I'm thinking of leasing a car
instead of buying?
Oh, yeah, that's great, Richie. That's real great.
Have fun not building up a credit history.
Are you kidding me?
You know what? Next time I buy you a Suze Orman book,
I'm gonna throw it in the trash myse...
Okay, I get it.
You're testing me. You're testing me.
Danny, if Mindy wants to take things slow,
you have to accept that...
Just like you're gonna want her to accept, one day,
that you don't like turning on the heat in the winter.
Why, to heat up a drawer full of unused sweaters?
You want to get warm,
get on the floor and do some push-ups, okay?
Okay, look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(Woman on radio) ♪ 92.5
sorry to keep you waiting.
Spring is our horny season.
- Of course. - By the way...
I'm a big fan of your work.
Oh, God, kill me.
So we understand you would like us to take down your video,
and we hear you.
Integrity is the Hallmark of Sploders
and the sploders family of porn websites.
Oh, cool. So you'll do it.
Sploders is a family business.
In 1922, our grandfather Irwin Fleischman
arrived at Ellis Island,
took one look at the Statue of Liberty,
and thought, "I wonder what she's got going on under there."
- And sploders was born. - Wow.
Grandpa believed you shouldn't have to go to the museum
to see a naked woman.
Miss you, pop-pop! Horny freak.
Unfortunately, we can't oblige your request.
You see, as it turns out, there is a growing market
for Indian BBWs.
Wait.
What's a BBW?
Oh, you... you don't have to explain that for her.
Oh, I have to guess it.
Okay. Um, is it, like, "brainy birdlike wife" material?
No, it means "big beautiful woman."
What... the hell?
"Beautiful woman" is in there.
But also "big." Are you kidding me?
Look at these wrists. Look at how dainty they are!
They can barely hold up the enormous calzones that I eat.
The problem is here, guys,
that there aren't very many Indian women in this country
that have the kind of loose morals
that allow them to star in these videos.
Most of them become doctors.
Well, I am a doctor!
Right. Right.
We're both gynecologists.
We're all gynecologists in this room.
Look, from one porn aficionado to a couple others,
maybe you could just do us a solid.
Wish we could.
But if we took down a video
every time someone didn't like it,
we wouldn't be rich beyond our wildest dreams.
Did I mention my house has four pools?
This is just typical me, you know?
I screwed something up before I even got a chance
to screw it up.
I guess I'll just be single forever.
Hey, guys? I need to tell you a story real quick.
When I was in college,
I could've taken pictures of every hot tri delt
at the Dartmouth nude Olympics.
Did I? You bet I did.
Did I put 'em online?
Tried, couldn't figure it out.
Tried again, still having trouble.
Tried a third time,
still was having problems.
I bought a firewire cable...
I'm gonna stop you right there.
- Kind of a long story. - Yep.
You went to Dartmouth?
Yeah, I'm a d-bag. Are you a d-bag?
Class of '96, class of '98.
(Peter) So what do you guys say?
For the big green?
Okay, but only for big green.
(All) Wah-hoo-wah!
Wahoo-wah!
That's not how we did that.
Ms. Lahiri, before you go...
Would you consider starring in a new project for us?
We'll pay you $300,000.
I'm sorry, three hundo-thundo just to flash Vince and Owen?
Guy, she just begged you to take down her sex tape.
You really think she'd stoop that low to...
- Mindy? - You're right. You're right.
Of course not.
It just... it seems like such easy money.
- Dr. C. hey! - Yeah.
Don't rest so much. It's not good for you.
You got to wake up.
Morgan, what are you... What are you doing?
I have a special delivery for my best guy friend.
That's nice. [Groans]
What about the balloons?
- These are for my own personal use. - Okay.
But Dr. L's actually gonna spend the night here,
and she asked me to drop off some of her work.
- Very sweet... - Mm-hmm.
- And professional. - Yeah.
So, uh...
You didn't actually bring me anything?
I could sing you a song so you feel better.
No.
Can you sing me a song so I feel better?
Good-bye, Morgan.
[Sighs]
I can't lose you. You're not gonna lose me.
- You could die. - Not gonna die.
You might. Thanks for coming by.
You're one in a million, Castellano.
[Door opens, closes]
[Sighs]
(Peter) What floor is Danny on?
Five. But you know what, Peter?
After defeating that porn empire,
- I think we should take the stairs. - Take the stairs?
Mindy, they had to airlift you out of a 5k fun run for cancer.
We're taking the elevator.
Where do you put the tape in?
[Elevator bell dings]
Okay, um, I'm mad that you brought that up.
You know that's a sensitive subject with me.
I feel like I can get airlifted once in a while.
Eject... That works.
Yeah.
[Elevator bell dings]
Jillian Michaels says that these are wasted opportunities.
Jillian who?
Bingo.
[Elevator bell dings]
Okay, you win. Let's take the stairs.
[Knock at door]
(Tom) Mindy.
(Mindy) Who's Mindy? I'm Cody, mister.
I'm selling cookies, cookies to turn you on.
- You're dirty. - It's happening.
[Both moaning]
No! No, no. Don't do that. Don't do that.
Don't do that! Don't do that to him!
Oh, my...
You know, my sophomore year, meningitis tore through my frat.
Mm-hmm.
We thought we were hungover for the first week.
If queef's dad hadn't been the surgeon general,
we all would've been nips up.
No kidding.
Wait.
[Distant sensual trumpet music plays]
Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Ahhhh!
- Oh, my God. - (Tom) You are dirty!
[Yells]
Ah, God! I can't unsee this.
Mindy, I've never done this before. Hey!
That's burned in my retina! Ah!
Oh, Tom, you own me.
Get away from her with that thing! Oh!
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Why would you give this to me, you sicko?
Danny, I gave it to Tom, like, ten years ago.
- It means nothing. - Oh, yeah?
Were you taking it slow when you made this with Tom?
Or is this medium speed for you?
No, that's faster than medium speed.
Do not look at that!
It was the 2000s, okay?
You were kind of a loser if you didn't have a sex tape.
It's disgusting.
God! Why did I even have to look at that?
My eyes hurt. Why do you care?
What?
(Peter) I don't understand.
Why do you care so much, Danny?
I'm just...
Worried that this tape isn't good for the practice.
The practice?
I've done way worse things to the practice.
Last week I called in a bomb threat
'cause I was too hungover to come in.
That's so much worse, Danny, isn't it?
All right, we'll talk about that later.
Let's talk about the tape, okay?
- I don't... - I feel like I'm missing something,
'cause the only person that should be, like, that upset
is the new guy Mindy's dating.
Wait. Wait.
- What? - Wait.
What?
Wait, wait, wait.
Please stop repeating the word "wait"!
Mindy, are you and Danny porking?
Are you kidding me? Us two?
We are never gonna do that. Ridiculous.
That is unprofessional.
We're not having sex, right, Mindy?
Mm-hmm.
Are you feeling all right, min?
You're all, like, nauseous and fevery.
You look like that morning you tried to be a vegan.
- Yeah, you're sweating. - Is it guilt? Is it guilt sweats?
Oh, my God. You have Danny's meningitis!
What?
If she has meningitis, it's her own strain.
I had nothing to do with that.
You two are porking!
We're not. We're coworkers.
We're not. Yeah, we're coworkers.
And the reason I'm sweaty is that...
I did crossfit earlier.
So I'm still kind of feeling the... effects.
Whoa! Mindy?
Her shirt's up. Okay, don't look!
Sorry. Why do you care?
Nurse!
Hey, kiddo.
You're looking a little sad.
Want me to cheer you up?
Do some Sheldon from Big Bang Theory?
[Imitating sheldon] Bazinga! Hmm?
I've never seen a woman before.
Oh, Peter, you know I love your Sheldon,
but I'm not in the mood to laugh.
You know, uh,
if this new guy you're hanging out with
is gonna lose his shitake mushroom
over a sex tape,
then he's probably not the right guy for you anyway.
Well, the good news is...
It seems like there is no guy anymore,
and I'm just gonna be all alone...
Just some oversexed creep
who can't even make a good sex tape.
Hey. That tape had a lot going against it...
I mean, bad lighting, female director.
The worst part is...
I didn't even like Tom that much,
not nearly as much as I like this new guy.
And that's ruined.
Well, I gotta go.
I'm a total germaphobe.
[Knock at door]
- Hey, Danny. - Move it.
Oh, God, kill me.
(Peter) I know you think that Mindy
embarrassed the practice,
but before you get all judge-y Reinhold on her,
listen to what Tom has to say.
Okay, Margo's out in the hallway,
so let's not talk about the sex tape.
- You know, she thinks I'm a virgin. - Okay, you know what?
Hey, hey! What are you doing? Trying to pull the plug.
Stop it! It's right there.
Tom, tell him about the time
that you spent together with Mindy.
Why does he need to know that? Why is that a deal?
Margo, would you like to come in here
and watch a movie? That's not nice.
You're not being nice. No. Hey, back!
Back, honey! Not nice.
That's not nice? You just slammed the door in her face.
Danny, listen, I don't think Mindy
ever really liked me that much, okay?
I think we did all the freaky sex stuff because...
We didn't like spending time with each other.
And when I say "freaky," I mean like really freaky.
[Whispering] Did you ever tape any of that?
Most of it.
What? Where is this going?
I'm just saying, I think she would've dumped me
after two weeks if I didn't have such a huge...
Okay, all right. That's enough.
Every time I see you, you bring that up.
- Thank you. - We good?
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. We're good.
I don't know, this is...
Okay, maybe that didn't go as well as I thought.
But Mindy didn't even like Tom.
And if you could've seen
the crazy lengths she went through
to make sure your eyes didn't get on that tape...
I think it's because Mindy really...
Respects the practice.
Maybe she's even a little bit in love with the practice.
Maybe she even wants to get boned by the practice.
Okay, thank you, Peter. That's enough.
Yeah.
(Woman on TV) Veronica, why didn't you come to my other talk show?
(Veronica) Because my cat is sick.
And Jessica said you didn't care!
[Knock at door]
Hey.
Oh, hey.
I just came down to borrow your Bridget Jones's diary.
I think I must've lost mine.
Uh, it's over there.
The nurse put it across the room as punishment for pinching her.
So...
Enjoy it.
You know...
I was thinking that, uh...
You know, maybe you were right.
I think...
I think I like that you want to take things slow.
Let's do slow.
[Sighs]
Chapter one.
Can you do the voices?
[Sighs] Okay.
[British accent] "The last thing on Earth I feel physically,
"emotionally, or mentally equipped to do
"is to drive una and Geoffrey Alconbury's
New Year's Day turkey curry buffet..."
Oh! That's where she meets Darcy.
[Normal voice] Oh, yeah? Who's she?
No, Mark Darcy... Colin Firth.
Oh. Okay. Yep.
I like that guy.
[British accent] "'Oh, hello, darling.
"I was just ringing to see what you wanted for Christmas.'
"'Christmas?'
"'would you like a surprise, darling?'
"'no!' I bellowed.
"'Sorry. I mean...'
"'I wondered if you'd like a set of wheels for your suitcase.'
"'but I haven't got a suitcase.'
"'why don't I get you a little suitcase
"'with wheels attached?
You know, like an air hostess has.'"
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/